My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
