Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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