soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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