I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you told grandpa to call you daddy
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
