mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Who died my cat blue again?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
