oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
