Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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