Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
