Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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