Your face is a jimmy john
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Barsexuality is the new black.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My penis needs a shock collar
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
