stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
