Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
