Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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