real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
