he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Come share oat with me in your robe
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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