After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
