I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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