just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
