This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
