I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
