was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
