he thought i was a dude.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
