Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
