The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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