John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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