I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
please come you make the beer taste better
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
