He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
