did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Drake has all the answers
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
