Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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