Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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