A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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