You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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