We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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