Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
