Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
