EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
