Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
