Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize