no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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