its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
