The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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