His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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