Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
