It's like God shit irony all over that family
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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