Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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