I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
