Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize