You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
