So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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