Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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