conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
NoShamevember. You game?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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