Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
