i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
