please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
