just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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