oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
There are leaves in my underwear?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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